"Santa Claus Is Fake" & Other Innocence-Destroying Utterances.
Friday, November 27, 2009 at 12:23PM So Thanksgiving's over, which I suppose means we're onto the next holiday.
For many, Christmas represents a time for sharing, looking inward and appreciating one's family and friends.
For me, it marks an occasion to ruin the fantasies of young children.

Since we all (hopefully) know there's no such thing as Santa, I figured I'd try something else -- revisiting, celebrating and possibly spoiling some of my favorite other pillars of wide-eyed innocence. This top 5 list is highly subjective. Feel free to add your faves in the comments.
5. The tooth fairy is but a work of fiction.

This discovery inevitably raises a larger (and, depending on the cognitive ability of said child, potentially more disturbing) question, "Then who did what with my teeth?"
(It's worth noting that some tooth-fairy believers assert that the tooth fairy is actually the Easter Bunny, rewarding kids for losing teeth while eating the candy he gives them over the holiday. And this is why I love Yahoo! Answers.)
4. Babies do NOT come from the stork.
The method in which a youngster learns of this fact is the primary determinant of its accompanying level of shock.
Being told by a relative? Easy to deal with.
Being told what really happens by a classmate? Eh...
Discovering the gory truth by walking into your parents' room late at night to retrieve a mistakenly misplaced Shadowman video game cartridge for Nintendo 64, which may or may not have happened to my sibling? Utterly horrifying.
3. There is no Mavis Beacon.

I'm sorry, but it's true. In 1995, the Seattle Times reported that this venerable, virtual typing instructor was a mere fiction designed to create a personal connection to the software. Despite more than 8 million copies sold, cover model Renee Lesperance reportedly received (and receives) no residuals for her likeness. It's almost enough to make you boycott home row.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: "Mavis Beacon" is the reason I was able to type out this post at approximately 180 WPM.)
2. Carrots will not improve your eyesight.
They can, however, turn your skin orange.
1. Unicorns are not real.
Okay, so this is not one that I expect impacts many children, BUT I felt the need to include it for two reasons.
a) This incredible This American Life episode in which an adult woman recounts her tale of learning about the unicorn's true history in one of the worst social settings in which to publicly confront this fact.
b) When I was 6 years old, my parents took me to the Barnum & Bailey's Circus in Norfolk, VA. The main attraction of said circus was the "Living Unicorn," a supposedly authentic beast that piqued my generally unicorn-free imagination.
What I saw that night was definitely no unicorn.
I hesitate to use the word "abomination" in mixed company, but what we witnessed was, at best, a goat with giant, non-organic horn grafted onto its forehead and, at worst, oh god... I don't even want to consider it.
(UPDATE: My best guess was somewhat accurate. The process for converting goats into unicorns has been patented. Oh god what have we done.)
And here is a close approximation of what said "Living Unicorn" looked like. I'm sorry.

Merry Christmas.
CD-Rom,
marketing,
mavis beacon,
mythology,
santa claus,
unicorns in
Markets,
Oddities 

